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I
hate my job...Organising the Office Christmas Party Excellent. All these years I have hidden my true feelings about organising the office party. Which I hate doing. Just for fear of appearing to be a Scrooge figure. Now I can let off steam, and it’s anonymous so no resultant social exclusion. I have organised at least six Christmas parties, for three different groups of people. I don’t know why, because I hate doing it. I just get lumbered with it. One of the traditions of Christmas is that it is traditional and that means everybody does what they did last year. And that means the guy who hated doing the office party last year, hates doing it again this year. Down to specifics. Office parties often involve bizarre rituals such as the exchange of gifts. In my previous firm, it was decided that rather than buying for people you liked, which would have meant some people got lots and some got none and felt left out, the organiser should orchestrate things so that each person bought one present and each person received one. Have you ever tried doing this, with any group of people let alone an office? The problem is that not many people in the office like many other people, or want to buy for them and after a couple of years all the amicable permutations are exhausted – 'but I bought for Lucy last year' – and when you break the news to people they hate you for it. You end up deliberately choosing pairings which will result in ghastly presents which are immediately thrown away, just to spite them. Venues are a big problem. If you book a room somewhere, the host always rings up with a week to go and says there’s been a double booking, and you are either in the stable, or nowhere at all. If you hold it in the office itself, you have to bring in lots of booze and decorations and shift all the furniture around. The researchers being what they are carry on working up to the last minute while the field department give up at 3 o’clock on party day and get noisily pissed. The atmosphere is terrifying. The MD is either one of those HR types who is the first one to the bottle and goes around hugging everyone and telling them to relax and enjoy themselves, or he’s completely stressed out and he shouts at the field people and bangs his door shut. Off-site parties are probably a better idea – then at least you can keep the pissed and sober factions separate by letting the sober stay in the office. When the party starts, all the operations people sit in one corner getting off with the telephone interviewers and all the research execs stand in the other by the drinks and catch up on the alcohol intake. It’s the climax of a year spent sniping at each other and feeling resentful, and as the organiser you are held responsible for the bad time everyone is having - or rather, whoever is having a bad time holds you responsible. The only thing that gives you more of a headache than the venues is the entertainment. Someone in DP usually has a brother who plays in a band, and early on in the arrangements you will be approached about letting them perform, and have to make a decision about whether to say Yes or whether to get someone decent and pay an arm and a leg. Whichever you do you will be blamed - and if you’re really unlucky the brother will turn up with his guitar anyway and start a fight with the pros, getting you all thrown out of the venue. Being market research, you are never given time off to do the organising - you have to ‘fit it in’ - it’s one of those bits in the contract that says you ‘may be expected in times of heavy workload to do unpaid overtime’. If you have to organise your office party, there is no way to avoid the above, except to pray for a miracle - just occasionally not all of them happen. But one piece of advice I can give you is: if there’s a fat guy, get him to be Father Christmas. Don’t shy away from asking for PC reasons, or give in to someone else who wants a go. Fat people like doing it and are better at it - and if you choose someone slim, out of whatever noble sentiment, everyone will blame you and say that the fat guy would have been much better. This is true - they hold their drink better and don’t get off with the people they are giving gifts to, and they look naturally jollier in the suit. But that’s all by-the-by, because you’re not going to be stupid enough to volunteer to organise the office Christmas party, are you? And in the absence of volunteers, the job will inevitably fall to ... ...the guy who did it last year.
I
love my job...Organising the Office Christmas Party
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